Awdrey Speaks

Y'all remember my last post? If not, it went something like this: ugh I'm exhausted all the time.

I found out why that is and the reason is stupider than I could've imagined.

I forgot to put some very crucial medication in my pill case. Yeah, that old granny AM/PM affair that keeps me on track because otherwise my ADHD-ass would never remember to take my pills. And somehow the pills I need to breathe didn't make it in there.

Absolute clown behavior.

Now I'm feeling reinvigorated because I can, y'know, breathe again. Weird how that helps.

So here's my PSA: drink your water and take your meds. Added bonus PSA: make sure all your meds are accounted for!

The fever of my hyper-fixation finally broke. Which is great, sure, but also kinda terrible.

I'm exhausted. My head feels like it's full of cotton. At least I'm getting restful sleep.

Work has also put me through my paces over the past few days. It's good to be busy. At the same time, it drains me to be this busy. I end up staring into the middle distance for a good, long while after I log off. Certainly better than the alternative, though.

Now comes the "get myself back together" phase as I try to get back to a healthy baseline. Do all the little things that fell through the cracks. Laundry, cleaning, shopping. All the stuff that actively disgusted my brain, but now seems so soothing.

Until next time, hyper-focus. Let's do this again in a month or two.

Friday night plans with my friends fell through and I couldn't be happier.

I adore my friends. I'd do literally (almost) anything for them. Our time together is so precious to me and I love hosting.

Something you need to understand about me is that I've worked hard to grow my friendships. I did a hard-reset on my life in 2019, mere months before the pandemic hit. The relationship I'd been in was very unhealthy and I left with my dogs, my books, and the clothes on my back. It was a really rough time. I'd been isolated because of this person for so long that I only had a few people I could rely on.

That's when I made it my mission to cultivate as many friendships as I could sustain. I'm forever grateful that so many amazing folks took a chance on a stray like me.

They say that making friends in your thirties is hard and that's somewhat true. It's hard to know where to start and harder to coordinate schedules. Thankfully, I have friends who have other friends, many of whom are community-minded. Sometimes it really does take one connection for your life to blossom in unexpected ways.

I got space to breathe because I knew I had people supporting me, which then allowed me to finally come out. I'd identified as bi for most of my life, but hadn't found much fulfillment in my relationships with men. When I was able to take a step back and reflect, I was able to step into an identity that felt more true to myself.

I can truly say that I'm proud of the life I've built and even more proud to be in community with so many amazing folks.

However. I do still want a lazy weekend every now and then. Quiet time to myself fills my cup in a different, but equally important, way.

Whew, that was super reflective. Some earnestness does a body good every now and then. Now I'm probably gonna take a gummy and order some pizza. The night is mine!!

And omg I'm gonna sleep in so fuckin' late tomorrow, y'all have no idea.

As many of us neurodivergent bitches know, sometimes the hyper-focus hits like a Mack truck and a week later you're getting scraped off its grill with no memory of how you got there.

At least I hope many of us know this. Surely it can't be just me. There are no unique experiences in this world, so I have to hope.

Over the past month I've entered The Drift with two games, three books, and now my personal websites. It's fun, it's fresh, it's flirty, and it's unsustainable.

So last night I made myself sit in the discomfort of not staying up past 1am to keep scratching any of these various itches. I knew I had to break this or I'd end up burnt to a crisp. And you know what? I did it. I was uncomfortable and craving dopamine and tossing around in bed, but I at least took the first step. Now for the next one. Then the one after that.

Ugh... it's so much more fun to eat straight dopamine while I trick myself into thinking I'm doing something productive. Why must a healthy balance be so much more fulfilling in the long-term? My brain doesn't care about grocery shopping, it cares about how fast I can read this book or play this game!! Stomach aches from not eating all day then not having anything in the house is a future-Awdrey problem!

Unfortunately, I am future-Awdrey, so... fuck. I'm really hungry.

I'm so glad to be here but MAN OH MAN the learning curve is steep. I've been doing amateur CSS coding for ages now, but BearBlog is a whole new beast.

Here's hoping I get the hang of things quickly so I can focus on writing!